It’s undeniable that jealousy is as ugly as it is common. We’ve all felt it, and we’ve all dealt with it in our partners. Or at very least had a good friend say ‘why is my boyfriend so jealous and controlling?. And while it seems like it should be simple and straightforward, when our partner is jealous we can reach levels of crazy we can’t even begin to explain. If you’ve read our article on ‘How to crush long distance jealousy & insecurities‘, you already have an arsenal at your disposal that you can whip out at a moment’s notice to demolish that emotion. And that’s great news! But what if it’s your partner that has the mean, jealous streak? What if he’s not likely to want to read that article or make any changes himself? Is there anything you can do? Of course, there is. And, as always, we’d be more than happy to tell you!

Help! My jealous partner is green-eyed monster!

Is My Boyfriend Overly Jealous?

Most of the time, it’s as clear as shouting “I’M JEALOUS” on top of a building. Sometimes, however, it may be a bit harder to figure out. Mainly, that’s because a certain level of jealousy is perfectly normal. It all boils down to a feeling of desire to keep your loved one near, and a fear of losing them to someone else. That sounds pretty reasonable, right? To some extent, every single one of us has these feelings sometimes. The trouble crops up when these feelings cause more harm than they do good. That’s when the trouble starts, the arguments escalate and the plates get thrown. And a lot of times, either one or both of the people in the relationship have no idea that these issues are actually stemming from a deeply rooted jealousy! Here are three unexpected signs that you can spot when your partner is suffering from severe jealousy: 1: Easy to spark, hard to put out Your boyfriend gets angry very easily over the stupidest of things and is very hard for him to calm down. You’ll notice this behaviour every time you go out with your friends, talk about new people in your life, or talk about your past. He will deny it is in any way related, but the jealous signs are clear. 2: Self-love is not in the air You might notice your partner feeling particularly low about themselves. They may fixate on their looks, weight, finances, or any other aspect of their lives. They frequently fish for compliments from you and will only get worse if you don’t give them attention. “Do these pants make my ass look big” practically become the family motto. 2: One strike and you’re out The very first time you make the mistake of saying that someone else is better at something than your boyfriend is, BOOM. You get the full brunt of a tantrum. Congratulations! It’s a green-eyed monster.

The Surefire Way to Deal With a Jealous Partner

It all begins with a trick. Some may consider this being manipulative. I consider it being creative. To adjust for tighter morals, simply be more transparent in your discussion than I suggest here. The first thing you need to do is find out if he’s willing to change at all. The way I’d personally go about it is, well, by doing a roundabout. Start by asking whether he has any complaints about you and if there’s anything you can do to improve your relationship. (Be prepared to actually get an answer here. I learned that one the hard way when he walked away and later came back with a list.) Listen genuinely. Then, when the time is right, ask whether he would be (purely theoretically!) willing to work on any issues if you (theoretically!) had them. Would he like to know about them? Would he be willing to at least discuss them? If the answer to these questions is a resounding, unmovable no, then it’s probably not looking good for you. I’d start reconsidering my future and investing in a nice bottle of gin. If there’s any positivism, any “give” at all, we’re in! That’s all we need. The next step is to create a barren environment for the seeds of jealousy. Your partner’s jealousy stems from lack of communication, past experiences, and low self-esteem. To put a stop to jealousy forever, you have to eliminate or at least reduce these things which feed it. Starting a real, simple and honest dialogue along the lines of “you’re jealous and you shouldn’t be” is great, but it won’t be enough. You have to also talk about the past experiences which relate to this situation, bad relationships and betrayals that your partner has already suffered, warts and all. If you find out that you’re also responsible for some of these bad past experiences, now is a good time to start making up for it. In order to put a stop to your partner’s low self-esteem, it’s not just as easy as saying “darling, you’re great.” (Though daily applications of that do help a great deal!) You need to learn to do things together which give your partner a sense of accomplishment and success, be it sports or cooking or Elvis trivia. You need to learn to praise successes and make less of a big deal of failures. And, most of all, you need to absolutely stop any behaviour you have that feeds insecurities, such as comparing him to other people or pointing out every flaw. The final step for dealing with a jealous partner is to turn his jealousy into a happy place. You can totally wipe out jealousy forever and make sure it never comes back. You’ve already done most of the work by cutting off the issues that feed it, now you just have to turn the situation completely on its head. Whenever you feel like you’re getting close to the edges of jealousy, where your partner is almost ready to flare up, turn around and make a joke instead. Humour is a great cure when used with good timing. Change the situation, move away from where you were in the conversation, or even physically in space. Grab your partner and take off for a walk, give him a glass of wine, or tell him a hilarious story about the dog. Essentially, make the whole area of his emotions into a cheerful, lighthearted place. Do this over and over and over again.

How do you know you’ve made it?

When, on the edge of throwing a jealous fit, your partner calms himself down, makes a joke about it, and brings YOU a glass of wine. Feel free to shed a tear, you have arrived. Does it work? Yes, over time. Does it sound like a lot of work? Well, that’s because it is. Which brings us to the next question.

Is it Worth Putting Up With My Boyfriend’s Jealousy?

That’s an easy one. If he is an overly jealous partner, no. You’re wasting his time, and the feeling will never go away fully. You’d be better off reconsidering your relationship. If your relationship is consistently suffocating you, giving you pain, and affecting your work, family, and friends, no. When there’s no good in it, that’s just a toxic paranoid possessive relationship that you don’t need. If the green-eyed monster inside your boyfriend starts to talk and make demands like “you can never leave the house without me” NO. RUN. Run now. Leave the shoes and just run.

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If your relationship is good, and makes you happy, and is mostly made up of love and respect, but has some room for improvement, such as this issue with jealousy, then yes. A resounding yes. It’s worth it because it can and will get better. It’s worth it because he may someday have to put up with your issues too. Most of all, It’s worth it because even though it’s hard to deal with a jealous partner, pushing through and solving the problem will only make you stronger in the end. That’s right, you too can be that badass couple that nobody can tear apart. And who doesn’t want that?
Words by: Alexandra Pana Feature image by: Raw Pixel